Spotting the Early Signs of Coercive Control
When we think of abuse in relationships, many people picture physical violence. But not all harm is visible. Coercive control is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that slowly strips away a person’s independence, self-esteem and sense of safety. It’s often subtle at first and wrapped in what appears to be love or protection. But, over time it creates a dynamic where one person holds all the power. Recognising these early signs is essential to protecting yourself and others from long-term harm.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a consistent pattern of behaviour used to dominate and intimidate another person. Unlike a one-off argument or disagreement, coercive control is ongoing and strategic. It aims to isolate, degrade and micromanage a partner’s life, often making them feel confused, dependent and trapped. This type of abuse doesn't always leave bruises, but it can be just as damaging as physical violence, sometimes more so because it erodes confidence and autonomy over time. Coercive control is a criminal offence in many places, including the UK, because of its serious and lasting impact.
Recognising Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse often disguises itself as concern or care in the early stages of a relationship. It might start with your partner wanting to know what you’re wearing, who you’re seeing, or how long you’ll be gone. While it may seem like attentiveness at first, it can quickly shift into controlling behaviour. If you're being criticised for your choices or feel pressure to change who you are to avoid conflict, these are not healthy signs. Emotional abuse undermines your freedom and sense of identity and is a key part of coercive control.
Jealousy and Possessiveness
While it’s normal to feel a bit jealous in a relationship occasionally, excessive jealousy is a red flag, not a sign of love. When your partner constantly accuses you of being unfaithful, checks your phone or insists you cut ties with friends or family, they’re using jealousy as a tool for control. You should never feel guilty for maintaining relationships outside your partnership. A healthy relationship supports independence and mutual trust, not suspicion and isolation.
Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic used to make someone doubt their memory, perception or sanity. It’s one of the most insidious aspects of coercive control. A gaslighter may dismiss your feelings, deny things they’ve said or done, or blame you for their behaviour. Phrases like “You’re imagining things” or “You’re too sensitive” are common ways they deflect accountability and make you question your instincts. Over time, this can leave you feeling confused, anxious and unsure of what’s real. Trusting your own experiences is crucial, if something feels wrong, it probably is.
Recognise the Signs, Seek Support
Coercive control doesn’t always appear overnight, it builds slowly, often disguised as care, love or concern. That’s why recognising red flags early is so important. If you feel isolated, controlled, or constantly second-guessing yourself, know that these are signs of emotional abuse. You deserve a relationship where you are respected, trusted and free to be yourself. No one should ever make you feel small, silenced or scared. If you or someone you know is experiencing coercive control, help is available. Don’t hesitate to reach out and seek support, you are not alone.
